08.06.09
STORYTELLING: FILLING THE GAPS, TRASH PILES AND GETTING UNSTUCK
copyright 2009 Cynthia Burnham
“Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing one.” – Robert Heinlein
STORIES…
People tell me stories a lot.
And human beings are amazing storytellers.
If we are awake, we are listening to, or telling stories – to ourselves, to others, to the Universe. Our brains even tell us stories in our dreams when we’re sleeping. Our stories help us remember, understand, explain, integrate – and rationalize – what happens to us – not to mention allowing us to make excuses…!
The stories you tell change your choices, your attitude, your direction, and your actions: toward clarity and success, or toward a more complicated path.
Up until now, you may never have considered how stories work in your life – why we tell stories, what purposes they serve, and how to make them a driving force in your life as opposed to a passive – or harmful – soundtrack.
Our stories ground us – they either stick us in place, or center us to move forward.
My subject here is getting unstuck.
————————————————
“That probably is happening [will happen, did happen] because of ‘x.’”
True or Helpful
We all tell stories. Stories explain our lives to ourselves and to others, and/or focus our attention. They are the internal soundtrack that tells us where to look, how to feel, etc. at any given time – like the theme of “Jaws.”
They aren’t so much good or bad as they are either true and/or helpful…or not.
— Is It True?: Cause and effect
We crave an understanding of cause and effect, effort and result. Our stories are often related to these. We use this type of story to explain or predict our world.
Here’s an example of what I call the “Is It True?” type of story:
“I’ll bet they haven’t sent out a memo about the new contract yet because they’re planning another round of layoffs.”
— Is It Helpful?: Focus of attention
Stories also focus our attention, and define what we believe is possible. Our attention affects and guides our emotional responses and our opinions, which then guide our choices and our actions, and help move us in one direction or another.
Here are two examples of what I call the “Is It Helpful?” type of story:
“I know some people think I’m an overly-tough manager – especially to some of the younger folks. But when I was in the military, that’s what I was taught. If you didn’t pay attention, people died. I guess I bring some of that to work – but these kids need discipline, and anyway, that’s just the way I am.”
“I’m really bad at public speaking. I was kind of a chubby, awkward kid – bad at sports – and I got laughed at a lot. I learned to keep my head down and my mouth shut. Anyway, some people have the ability and some don’t, I guess.”
So, what do we do about it, and why is it important?
Below, we’ll look at my two story types – “True Stories” and “Helpful Stories” – in a little more depth, and discover how to make these stories work for you in living a more positive, active and “unstuck” life.
—————————————————————————————-
STORY TYPE #1: IS IT TRUE?
Guesses And Predictions; Stories That Fill In Information Gaps
Stories fill in the gaps
We rarely – never, actually – have enough information to fill out the full scope of the world we live in. Our mind is constantly guessing about missing pieces so we can make predictions about the future.
Our mind says: “What are the possibilities?”
Then it starts guessing, and begins the storyline: “I’m guessing the most likely possibility is ‘x.’ And, if ‘x’ happens (here comes another story), then ‘y’ will probably happen as a result.”
Plotting Scenarios
Sometimes we make up stories because the gap in our information makes us feel threatened or uncomfortable, and the gap is processed as “danger.” Evolution drives us to a fast response to danger. In those cases – like with the layoff storyteller – our stories may go to the worst-case scenario.
We think – to protect ourselves – “It’s a saber-tooth tiger!” when it might really be a bush. We think “Layoffs!” when might really just be a delayed memo.
In other cases, when we want to avoid thinking altogether – because we’re taking shortcuts in our thinking, or, conversely because we can’t face something – we may smooth over the gap with a pie-in-the-sky best-case scenario.
Here’s one: “Oh, this lump is probably nothing.”
(Tangential side note: I’m partway through my next blog about why we shortcut or avoid thinking about things. Stay tuned! – CB.)
We believe our stories
The potential problem lies in the fact that we tend to believe our own stories, often without checking the facts. We forget it was a story – a guess, a “probably”- and we assume “y” really will, or did, happen. We react as if the stories were true.
The fact that they are unproven guesses, and often untrue or only partly true, doesn’t keep us from being angry, upset, or happy about them, or from taking (or avoiding) action on them.
Consider the first story, above, about the memo and the layoffs.
“I’ll bet they haven’t sent out a memo about the new contract yet because they’re planning another round of layoffs.”
Is it true?
Maybe, maybe not. We don’t know, do we?
Many – most, even – stories could be true. Humans are pretty good guessers and predictors. Where we fall down is when we don’t look to see if they really are true.
If you find yourself feeling either self-righteously indignant, or really self-sacrificing and noble after you say something, it’s likely it’s a story. And, pretty much any time you hear yourself saying – to yourself, or others: “I’ll bet that’s happening because…” or “You know that’s probably because…” or something similar, you’re probably filling in information gaps with stories.
Ask yourself: “Is it the truth, or a story I’m making up?”
When you recognize a story – even if it’s a really good one! – have the courage to investigate. Often, when investigated, the stories are not true. If they are true, you’ll confirm the need to take action. Sometimes, simply asking the question will lead you to a better path – either way, you unstick yourself.
-
STORY TYPE #2: IS IT HELPFUL?
Explanations And Reframing Focus; Choosing Your Point Of View
Stories may be true…and, unhelpful.
Consider the story, above, about speaking in public.
“I’m really bad at public speaking. I was kind of a chubby, awkward kid – bad at sports – and I got laughed at a lot. I learned to keep my head down and my mouth shut. Anyway, some people have the ability and some don’t, I guess.”
So, we ask the first question: Is this story true?
It probably is, right?
However, ask my other question: Is this story helpful?
To that, I’ll bet you agree, the answer is: Absolutely not.
Stories change your point of view, and the actions you take
For better or worse, stories change both how we perceive our world, and how we behave in the future. Looking at the above story, think about how it might affect the future actions of teller. Will it be likely to move him forward? Probably not. Do you think he’s stuck?
I do.
Remember this: Just because it’s true doesn’t mean it’s helpful.
Here’s another story – a true one. And again, ask yourself whether the – true – story is one that will help the person below take positive action:
“I have a wonderful idea for an amazing book. But I feel guilty. I know my sister believes in me and has always been proud of my talents. But she was supposed to be the writer in the family, and she’s always talked about writing a book. She can’t now – she has to work 17-hour days to support her family. I’m afraid if my book succeeds, it’ll make her feel bad, and take that goal away from her, too.”
So, is it helpful? Not really, is it?
Your “viewfinder frame”
Some stories are true. However, they are rarely the whole truth, or the only truth. Stories act like a camera viewfinder – they help us narrow down the amazing breadth of the world, and focus on one “story,” or possibility, over another. They offer “frames” for our lives.
Let us turn a metaphoric camera viewfinder toward a vast hillside.
One possible picture we can frame in the viewfinder focuses on a beautiful tree with red flowers. You dream about sitting and under the tree, smelling the flowers. You tell yourself a story about relaxing in beauty. Move your camera, another possible frame takes in a broad view of the sky above the hill, with moving white clouds. You imagine what it would be like to fly. Move again, and the viewfinder frame narrows in on an ugly pile of trash…and you think about…trash.
Which frame – which story – is true?
“I’m not the sort of person who does that.” “I’ve never been able to do that.” “I’m just a bad communicator.” “I’m not a good speaker.” “I’m disorganized.” “I never remember birthdays.” “One reason I’m fat is because my mother taught me always to clean my plate.” “I can’t sing. I haven’t sung since 5th grade, and then I was bad.”
All stories. All true.
And, all trash piles on the hillside.
Trash piles
If you say, “I’m afraid [something bad] will happen if….” Or, “I always [something bad]….” or “I never….[something good],” it may be unhelpful framing – trash piles in your viewfinder.
This kind of view also suggests that this is the only picture of the truth, and is permanent, which, if you think of the vastness of the possibilities of Life, is simply….untrue. The only thing certain is change, right?
Reframing
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about lying, or being unrealistic. I’m talking about asking yourself if you can reframe an idea or thought in a way that could get you unstuck. A better thought might move you forward in a positive way, so you see the possibility of flying, for example, instead of a big trash pile.
One better thought is: “Up until now, it’s been this way.” Up until now, I’ve thought this way. Up until now, it seemed like this. Up until now, I did it that way.
Even more: “I can work so that in the future, it will be different, and better.”
How might that kind of re-framing of your “internal viewfinder” change your perception of your potential?
Go back to my earlier stories. Think how the teller’s mood, behavior, and decision-making might change if they reframed and refocused their mental “hillside” and told a different story.
For example: “Up until now, I’ve been awkward in front of groups. I had some experiences early on that made me hesitant to work to develop these abilities. I know I have some catching up to do, but I’m sure I can learn, and certainly get better!”
Could this be a way of framing it that could be true? As true as the first story?
Or: “I know that up until now, I’ve been a tough manager – especially to some of the younger folks. When I was in the military, that’s what I was taught. If you didn’t pay attention, people died. I guess I bring some of that to work – but now, I’m seeing it’s not working so well – some young folks with great potential have left because of it. I’m working to find ways to expand my management skills so I can keep the discipline I’m proud of without driving people away.”
Or: “I have a wonderful idea for an amazing book. I know my sister believes in me and has always been proud of my talents. She works so hard now, but maybe in my success, I’ll be able to help her succeed, too – and maybe encourage her to finally write her own book!
Open to the possibility of change
Even “Up until now, I’ve always been a jerk. I don’t know how to change,” offers more opportunities for getting unstuck than “I’ve always been a jerk. I guess that’s just the way I am.” Look for small – and large! – ways to open the doors to action.
Make good stories!
The Buddhists say that every breath brings a new you, a new set of possibilities. Consider how the stories you tell yourself can help you chose better actions. Consider what is true, and which “truth” you are framing – the tree, the clouds, or the trash – and how reframing your viewfinder to a different, equally true picture can help unstick you, and move you to a happier path and a happier life – both immediately – now – and in the future.
—————————————————————
IN SUMMARY
Filling the Gaps, Getting Out of the Trash and Unsticking Yourself!
— Are my assumptions TRUE or are they just STORIES I am making up? If they’re stories, investigate!
— If true, could I REFRAME the information in a MORE HELPFUL way, one that might also be true?
— Can I say “UP UNTIL NOW,” and admit the possibility of change? Can you think how you might work to make it happen?
WE ALL TELL STORIES. MAKE ‘EM GOOD ONES, ONES THAT HELP YOU SUCCEED.
—————————————————————-
Thanks for reading. Knowing you are out there helps me think better thoughts. Please feel free to contact me with comments or questions. Also, as always, I am most grateful for Paul Nichols – for himself, and also for his fabulous editing abilities and brilliant suggestions.
RECOMMENDED BOOKS
Along with my own experiences, I have many sources for information in this article. In particular, I strongly recommend two important, life-affirming and life-changing books:
Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, by Martin Seligman, Free Press, (March, 1998).
The Power of Story: Change Your Story, Change Your Destiny in Business and in Life, by Jim Loehr, Free Press – (October, 2008)
